alpeNgeist

2009-02-01T16:25:00.000-08:00

This makes me want to pierce my lip and hang around a truck stop... Okay I am kidding about that. This is gross. But, did you know that in Australia, "Fanny Pack" refers to a cooter?

Reminder

2009-02-01T16:24:00.001-08:00

I don't edit... just post

Dig it out

2009-02-01T15:52:00.000-08:00

When you have a wedgie, just pick it. You don't want any floss in your butt. That is how skid marks happen. If it stays jammed up there, especially on a hot day, it could get saturated with butt sweat. Swamp ass is not hot. I also feel like that will cause you to get acne down there. That puts you in a game over scenario. Also, your undies should fit. A properly fitting pair of underwear should not get lodged up your ass. If you have chronic wedgies, look at yourself in a mirror -- you probably look like you have a dump chillin back there. The fabric should caress your curves, not sling down from it. I said what what in the but, you wanna put it in my but, in my butt.

Why all men like asian women:

2009-02-01T15:50:00.000-08:00

Tight pussy. Game Over, I'm not even left handed. I'll take two, put them in the cart.

Smirnoff Ice Chip Helmet

2009-02-01T15:41:00.000-08:00

I want to share a little story with you. I was doing summer research at my college lab. I went to the grocery store with a friend and we saw a raffel to win a Smirnoff Ice Chip Helmet. It was the type of raffel where you put in your contact info on a slip of paper -- free to enter -- just a stack of entry forms. We each filled out forty forms. Then we stole all but 10 entry forms. Two weeks later, I was working in the lab and had completely forgotten about the entry. My cell phone rang. I won the helmet. I wet my black boxer briefs with excitement and squeel like a sou in heat. I tell my professor that I won a chip helmet, so I can't work the rest of the day. I pick up the helmut and buy chips and salsa. That night we feast. -- I don't even like football. And that is your need to know news. Oh and I called everyone I knew

Cheaters is better than chedder.

2009-02-01T15:33:00.000-08:00

Benifits of Chedder:
Tastes great on crackers and apples.
When you (and by you I mean I) eat a lot of it, it makes your upper lip sweat.
Benifits of cheaters:
Pixilation
Small men with big floppy D
Black women with corn rows
Dating opportunities
The host... something Greco???
Guess who's home early?
Stabbings.
Big black women hitting their men.
Dirty panties.

Game set match cheaters

Beyonce Baked Brie

2009-02-01T15:26:00.000-08:00

1. preheat your oven to 375.
2. Thaw out your petridge farm puff pastry
3. Open a can of beyonces.
4. Strain your beyonces to remove the extra liquids and Jay Zs.
5. Spoon your Beyonces over a wheel of brie.
6. Wrap the brie in the puff pastry.
7. Cover the pastry with an egg wash and sprinkle with some solange.
8. Bake in the oven at 375 for 35 minutes.
9. Let cool for one minute and sift some kelly on top.
10. ENJOY!

A little friendly advice:

2009-01-30T12:30:00.000-08:00

Fuck your durag and floss.
Game over, I'm not even left handed.

About Me

2009-01-30T12:07:00.000-08:00

About Me:
When I am lost, or need advice about life... I turn to urinal graffiti for answers.
God, friends, self-help books -- all overrated.

Bare Breasts

2009-01-19T17:08:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay, that title was just an attempt to get some straight male readers. Somehow, I don't really think that is our key demo. What I really want to talk about is the Barefoot Contessa, aka. Ina Garten. I have been a devoted fan of the show since college -- circa 2006. If you watch the show, you know that each episode has a little story line. For instance, she might be cooking a special dinner for her husband Jeffery. But, we at Alpayngeist have been developing more than a little crush on TR, her devishly handsome friend. He is the perfect foil to Ina, he always ends up cheating and buying the part of dinner that he was supposed to make himself. So, we did some stalking... I mean research... and this is what we found out. As a teenager TR used to work for Ina, back when she still owned her gormet store in the Hamptons. TR also apparently does some modelling (Macy's) and has been in a car commercial. I am still trying to decode if there is anything going on between him and Kirk, apparently another Hampton alpha gay with a particular inclination towards fine wines. We'll take two, put them in the cart.

Raven Symone on a Segway

2009-01-19T10:27:00.000-08:00

Mmmm... this makes me sooo happy. It is like a dose of Chicken Soup for the Soul, minus having to read. Moreover, I would like to take this opportunity to comment on Raven. If Disney has failed to make you a superstar by the age of 24 maybe you should rethink your career path. I suggest she think about taking some edgier rolls. Further, I think it would be better if the paparazzi caught her with a hot piece at a club... or even doing a line in a bathroom stall. This girl needs street cred.

Kill Marry Fuck

2008-12-22T17:49:00.000-08:00

1. Buddah, Jesus, Kermit
2. William Shatner, Donny Osmand, Bob Barker
3. Richie Sambora, Tommy Lee, David Archuletta
4. Matt Lauer, Charlie Gibson, Billy Elliott
5. Wolverine, Hulk, Charlie Brown
6. Power Rangers, Ghostbusters, Smurfs (gang bang)
7. Snufflelofogus, Oscar, Barishnakoff
8. Ceasar Milan, Putin, Kim Jong Ill
9. Hasslehoff, Prince Charles, Prince
10. Wolfgang Puck, Wolfgang Laib, Wolfie from the Munsters.

Our new favorite person in the world

2008-12-22T17:41:00.000-08:00

I'll take two... put them in the cart.

2008-12-22T17:19:00.000-08:00

1. What does IT taste like?
a. anus
b. pile of vomit
c. coleslaw
d. 75 dead vaginae stuffed in a live one while queefing

2. Have you ever been in an Asian subway.... what does it smell like?
a. mouth rot
b. dim sum
c. petrified feces and warm urine
d. soy sauce

3. What does Indian spunk (jiz) taste like?
a. curry
b. chicken korma
c. jalapeño hummus
d. Asian subway

4. Where do you buy your intimate appeal?
a. Marshall's
b. Victoria's Secret
c. The Hustler Store
d. Home Depot

5. Who is the best Food Network Star?
a. Whitney from the Hills... and the City
b. Mario Battali
c. Anthony Bordain
d. Ham Sandwich

Key:
If you picked mostly A's, you are this type of person: You have personal hygienic issues. They are not always the most obvious. You may not wash your nether regions every day. You will touch trash and then bite your nails. You will wear the same underpants for four days in a row if you don't get to your laundry. You are also 22 years old at heart.

If you picked mostly B's you are this type of person: Lady in the streets and a freak in the bed.

If you picked mostly C's, you are this type of person: You are always looking to get your beak wet.... and/or your rocks off.

If you picked mostly D's you are this type of person: You wear carharts and timberlands. You eat sandwiches for dinner. You pack juice boxes when yo go on long trips. You drive a station wagon.

First Ever alpeNgeist Fart Art Contest

2008-12-22T17:08:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the first ever alpeNgeist Fart Art Contest!!!!
So this is how it works, you send digital pictures of your best art either depicting or inspired by farts. Send your pictures to alpayngeist@gmail.com. The winner will get will get a fart (from me) in a bottle.

Example

The Doggone Girl is Mine

2008-12-22T17:01:00.000-08:00

Hit Counter

2008-12-19T16:36:00.001-08:00

Dell Computers

About Me

2008-12-16T16:21:00.000-08:00

1. I find Waldo to be one tricky son of a bitch.
2. I refer to people by nicknames they will never know.
3. I Wikipedia things I don't care about and work them into my conversations.
And that is your need to know news.

Don't Forget your Hand Cubs

2008-12-15T16:06:00.000-08:00

Little did the dastardly villain Dewy Vas Deferens know when he stole my chrysanthemum that he'd picked on the wrong stud. For although my penile exterior might have you believe I'm an ordinary sort of adonis, I am in fact that gusto of justice, the misogynistic crusader for ferosity, Cooter Lonnie Anderson!

Quickly, I charged into a wigwam and changed into my celadon spanks, aubigine chaps, and my fishy leotard. Thus disguised, I ran after Dewy Vas Deferens and humped him in the knee pit! We fought for hours. First, I had the upper hand, and then he snuggled me and gained an advantage. But then I grabbed a nearby plushie and speared him through the beef curtain. Victory was mine!

What The Hell

2008-12-15T15:33:00.000-08:00

What the hell is the deal with the Disaronno commercials.
Disaronno on the rocks with ginger ale
Disaronno on the rocks with lemon
Disaronno on the rocks with cream
Disaronno on the rocks with milk
Disaronno on the rocks with cranberry
Just because you mix a liquor with something doesn't mean you invented a new cocktail.
Moreover, cream and milk don't count as separate in my book.
Disaronno on the rocks with farts... Give me a gold star.

Epiphany

2008-12-12T18:10:00.001-08:00

E Harmony Sucks a Dick.

Epiphany

2008-12-12T18:07:00.000-08:00

I need to know the Scissor Sisters.

Anderson Cooper

2008-12-12T18:03:00.000-08:00

Anderson Cooper's Dickipedia

Mmmmm tittie titties

2008-12-12T17:49:00.000-08:00

I love it when people get offended and they say things like "How dare you?"
OMG he kicked her in the tit.
Jeff Kicked Vicki In The Tit.

Anderson Cooper

2008-12-12T17:47:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or does Anderson look Asian when he smiles?

This is why I love Him

2008-12-12T17:40:00.000-08:00

I love Anderson

2008-12-12T17:35:00.000-08:00

In the words of Whoopi -- What the Hell!!!

2008-12-12T17:31:00.000-08:00

I think you swallowed a balloon.
Wow he is sooo skinny.
It looks like people slam heroin here.
WTF.
Speaking of WTF, there is a carriage in D town.
WTF, Hi, um We are driving down route 1 and there are two Mexicans riding horses on Lincoln Highway. Clearly you are lost, get off the fucking highway.

Burgers and whine

2008-12-12T17:23:00.001-08:00

Cut your moderate comment face off.

I want fried chicken.

Anderson Son

2008-12-12T17:11:00.000-08:00

I want to be quized by Nipsy Russel. I want my mother to be Victoria Vanderbelt.

Crazytown

2008-12-12T17:09:00.000-08:00

Where the hell is AAAANDERSON

Anderson Cooper

2008-12-12T17:06:00.000-08:00

See how you would turn out if your mother wore purple beaver.

Country fried Steak

2008-12-05T20:36:00.000-08:00

I need sand in my panties.

When you ride a mechanical bull, you are really auditioning for everyone in the bar for how well you can ride on top.

Crisco does a body good.

A space ship to the moon

2008-12-05T20:30:00.000-08:00

Mathew McConaghey has short armes ==> a sign of mental retardation.

O
- l -
/\

Get that coin.

2008-12-05T20:20:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah, this guy is a D-bag.
Jane Seymore has never looked better.
I remember when she used to sell hormones up in Harlem to make her rent money.

Obstruction of Innoscece

2008-12-05T20:13:00.000-08:00

Do you think you are going to get in trouble for chilly porn.
Chilly, like the penguin.
No, that is Chilly Willy Silly.
My willy is chilly.
That is because you don't wear your smart wool dick muff.
Yes, I do.... muff means vagina... I have vaginas waiting for me.
Ewww... vaginas are fishy.
I hate fishing. I feel bad for the fish. How would you like a hook in your mouth?
I would like it no more than taking a queef to my face.
Beeeyoooo. Beeeyyyoooo. Fart on my schnoots.
I want to put my pinky finger up your challah.
What if you hit the pink egg.
That is called birth control.
I want Jewish menopause.

Judy's Cranberry Garland

2008-12-05T20:08:00.000-08:00

Step one. Buy two quarts of whole fresh cranberries.
Step two. Rent The Wizard of OZ.
Step three. String the cranberries with a needle and thread.
Step four. While singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow, insert the string of cranberries into your ass.
Step Five. Pull out the ruby garland and enjoy.

Gooey Elf Bums

2008-12-05T18:34:00.000-08:00

Step One: Open a pack of sweetened shredded coconut and put it in a bowl.

Step Two: Add one can of sweetened condensed milk (there is a difference) and then beat two egg whites to medium firm peaks and then fold the egg whites into the bowl.

Step Three: Take an ice cream scoop and place dollups of the mixture onto a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper. Use the handle of the spoon to create butt cracks on the mounds.

Step Four: Take mini chocolate chips and put one at the center of each of the buttcrack to mimmick a chocolate covered star fish.

Step Five: Take red sprinkles and spot them on the butt - like zits.

Step Six: Place in the oven and bake at 325 degrees for fifteen mins until the coconut turns golden brown like elf butt hair.

Step Seven: Place on cookie sheet to cool, get fruit rollups, (preferably strawberry or cherry) and cut into the shape of elf shorts and put slightly below butt.

Step Eight: Get a can of redi whip to make white trim on the shorts. Wrap the elf butts in holiday colored cellophane and take them to a retirement facility.

Step Nine: Tell the old people to gobble gobble.

In Over Up

2008-11-26T17:35:00.000-08:00

Bend over you ho.
I put nickels down butt cracks.
They smell like cheese nips.

My Past

2008-11-16T15:18:00.001-08:00

Left to Right: Sarah, Michelle, and Gellar, Mango Bay residents

I grew up in Mango Bay, which oddly enough, had no mangoes, but only pineapples.
Many people think that pineapples grow on tress, au contraire, they're more like agave plants.

When I was little, I used to pick pineapples and put them in my pants and pretend I had a boner, but the problem was, I really did because I liked the prickly plants against my prickly pubes. It was a prickle party in my pants. But I digress. Windmills, aka molinas, were in the ocean near my Mango Bay island. Tyra Banks once wanted to use the windmills in a photo shoot in America's Next Top Model. Peaches, the mayor of Mango Bay, told her that would not be allowed becuase it would exploit the windmills and make them look fat. Oh wait, I mean skinny. The girls on America's Next Top Model are fat. Instead, she went to Holland and made the skinny bitches wear clogs.

Mango Bay's largest export is tzaziki, which you wouldn't expect given Mango Bay's location, five KM from Guam. Guam makes all their money from guava juice, but who really likes guava juice, it's too sweet. We just started importing Febreeze using lillypads that are propelled by snakes with rattles that can swim.

Let's break into song:

Go Go Go A lay a lay a lay.
I want pie in my Mango Bay.

Is Mango Bay a vagina? No.

Mango Bay blew up like Hiroshima. The end.

Corky

2008-11-16T15:12:00.000-08:00

Corky

Corky's Stained Glass Window

Pudding For Dinner

2008-11-16T15:07:00.000-08:00

ahead of lettuce

2008-11-16T15:01:00.000-08:00

To make the best baci ball salad, you need fresh ingredients. The best time to buy a fresh baci ball is from september to leap year. Go to your local market. Pick up one baci ball and study it. The baci ball should be moist and buttery. These taste the best! Put 6072 of them in your shopping cart. You will also need a pound each of carrots and butt cheeks.

Next, you need to get the ingredients for the salad dressing. You might like clayken dressing, which tastes yummy on baci ball salad, but you might also enjoy lancebass dressing. Pick out the duece best fruits you can find. Take your ingredients home, and get ready to make your salad.

Wash and dry each baci ball thoroughly. Use your statue to separate the parts of the baci ball. Put the pieces in a large salad bowl. Next, chop the carrots and butt cheeks, and put those in the bowl. To make the dressing, mash the fruit in another bowl. Add a cup of oil and trois teaspoons of vinegar. Pour the dressing into the large salad bowl and mix the ingredients. Voilà! Enjoy your baci ball salad.

The Box

2008-11-16T15:00:00.001-08:00

The doorbell rang. Richard Simmons and Alotta Fagina raced to the door. There on the doorstep was an enormous, farty box. What could be inside? They intrepidly queefed the box into the cellar. Alotta Fagina spontaneously put her toe pit close to the box. She thought she heard a voice whisper, “Be Oooh!”

“Hurry. Open the box!” screamed Richard Simmons. To their amazement, Estelle Getty leaped out of the box and started singing “Murder on a Dance Floor.” There was nothing else to do but sing along.

It Had Something To Do With Bigfoot

2008-11-16T14:49:00.000-08:00

One saucy day, our class went hiking along the Brooklyn River. Like all frosty hikers, we were ready for any emergency. In our backpacks, we carried nipples, lychees, and one box.

As we walked along the trail, Mr. Rutledge noticed a(n) plyable footprint. “Do you think a(n) diarrhea made these tracks?” Mr. Rutledge asked.

“No, but let's follow them anyway,” suggested Dara.

We munched for hours. Then I screamed, “FUCK!! I think I see a huge flange.”

“Go shit in a hat and pull it over your ears!” we heard someone say. It was Martha Stewart.

“Martha Stewart!” we screamed. “We thought you were a huge flange!”

“Do I look like a huge flange? Well, as long as you're all here, you can help me look for bellybuttons. There are lots of them here along the Brooklyn River. We can take them back to school and study them under our microscopes.”

“Go shit in a hat and pull it over your ears!!” everyone said.

The lion the midget and the wardrobe

2008-11-16T14:37:00.000-08:00

Thirteen to fifteen... Isn't that when you get pubes?
Do you tell your husband that you don't like your kid?
Do you do something about it?
Boarding school?
What if you're poor?
Beat them until they apply for scholarships. Duh.
I hate midgets in mini vans that are inscribed with "coffee addict" signs.
I need to urinar.
I make verbs.
During the week I have gone a 1000 calorie a day diet.
I eat mostly fruit... and don't cunt that for calories.
You crazy.
Half and half... a creamer, my favorite race.
Eurasians are beautiful.
I went over with my friend sky to this mudd hole.
Mudd, like the jeans.
Your mudd hole shows through your jeans.
That is taboo in some communities.
Pink sock.
I depende.
I want dirk diggler's cock to be a fishing pole, for cod.
Cod is god, like Oprah... why do we always blog about Oprah.
Because her and Rob Low's houses might burn down.
Box means cooch.
Lesbians have box.
I just think lesbians have box.
I have lesbians in my box -- D.

All I want for Christmas is:

2008-11-15T15:24:00.000-08:00

Collectible yellow submarine jeweled box
Darth tater and spider spud
Celtic border poncho
"Olive you!" wall plaque
Cat toilet seat set... it also comes in flamingo
Adult & child Santa & elf aprons
Ruby slippers soap
Nose shower gel dispenser
Seahorse lamp
Crazy cat lady action figure
Fire hydrant bird house
"Shalom Y'all" doormat
Personalized branding iron
Electronic yodeling pickle
John Deere toothpick dispenser
"Behold Fartacus" sweatshirt
Skull toilet brush and holder
Stonehenge mini model
Soccerball purse
Killer rabbit stapler
Baseball bat pepper grinder
And most of all... Richard Simmons' sweating to the oldies DVD set

No edits, we just post... this is the streets.

2008-11-08T16:03:00.000-08:00

Flipping houses
Flipping pancakes
Flapjacks
D's friends had people put flapjacks on her boobs and eat them off.
For fiddy dollar.
Water after coffee is refreshing.
Like water for chocolate.
Drip drip drip, Lorena pees like a percolator.
Jesus people often wear ugly glasses from the eighties.
Shiba is a chihuahua, if you need her call 7-11.
Why is it so hard to find nice drapes.
Sophie's choice.
Sophie is a fat ass.
Epic.
Eric.
Odysseus.
I am a special needs child.
Giggle giggle.
Dude, look a Shiba she is just chill'n.
Look at her!
She can move mountains.
Like Usher.
Usher's abs are like mountains... or wash boards of beef.
I had some beefstick today. It was called yard-o-beef.
I was impressed by it's size.
I cut through the plastic casing rather than unrapping it.
I am still burping beefstick.
Ewww, the burps have the same husky taste, minus the tang.
This make me then wan gum.
This is why my I'ms always sounded druk.
I love to type-0.
Cheerie-o. Spagetti-0. Eiei-0.
Ah ha, o tay ya.
Sushi, fishy.... con bistec.
Surf and turff.
Surfing on waives in the great big sea... then eating seaweed salad... with sesame seeds and a side of beef curtains aka beef carpacio.
The end.
Fin puta.

combo number two

2008-10-10T18:48:00.001-07:00

neon green makes your nose scream.

the bling bling of your nose ring makes the boys scream.
scissors are hard to spell

if on your wedding day you don't have a French manicure on your toes and fingernails, you might as well cut your wrists and fuck that some old something blue whatever the fuck

crack is cheap, i do coke, ps whitney

sastchewan sauce on a boat - dip your chick fil A in it - they invented the chicken sandwich and they know how to put a pickle on it - a dill pickle

and by the way, dill means penis

gargoyles, hunchback of notre dame, votive candles, absolut, lilies
day liles in black and white photos with color, miller lite moroccos - it's the high life, bitch

back cleave on fat hoes with purple pocket squares
lampshades on naglenes with spoons between your toes, yum, toejam
the shine on your nose catches the fogged mirror in my crotch

poop

crackle paint with an afghan = what were you thinking?
oh wait, you weren't

be tee dub, i was talking about the mary magdalene candle next to my asian g-string that catches my dream

i'm a clit indian catcher, puta

grrrr booo hisss cock

black baby foreskins on my face does a body good

2008-10-10T18:41:00.000-07:00

stick a cunty crayon where the sun don't shine. woop woop.

i miss the days of nelly and ashanti - i'm mesmerized by them.

hot air balloon. oh, ja rule - murder, inc.
i betchu we would have to febreeze his baggy pants because when he farts they get trapped
he wears tommy hilfiger boxes briefs, which tommy hilfiger doesn't like because he doesn't like black people. argggh.

woof.

let's do some more onomatopoeia

esteban: my favorite part of speech is syndoche
rockel: what is syndoche?
esteban: it's a part standing for a hole - i.e. - like the screen stands for movies

συνεκδοχή

velvet derriere

2008-10-10T18:37:00.001-07:00

that's my fuckin' blue heart jewel, bitch.

hay tay

2008-10-10T18:29:00.000-07:00

Fuck jesus rachel zoe is my god now - put that on the blog

saturday night

2008-09-27T17:34:00.000-07:00

it's saturday night, saturday night.

Elian Gonzalez today. Today, Elian, with has a paralyzing fear of tires, rafts, and moving water. He enjoys playing Wii and has a problem with authority, and so he acts out. His anger takes the form of him breaking crockery.

He enjoys wearing black hoodies and black bracelets; one per every whore that he's banged. He now has four. He wears a green bracelet for every time he has oral sex; he now has ten. He's thinking about cutting off the green bracelets because it would get to be a lot of bracelets.

His favorite season is the summer, because it reminds him of Cuba and now smokes cigars to remind him of his homeland. He also enjoys plantains that he purchases at Wegman's. He is trying to divorce his legal guardian and that's why he looks to Drew Barrymore as his idol.

He thinks that if he had cancer, his Make a Wish dream would be to meet Drew Barrymore, and he would like to get a black bracelet from her, but it's unlikely. He's starting to think about what he wants to do with his life, but he's kind of lazy so he thinks he wants to be a line chef. He thinks he would be good sauteeing arugula all day,

His favorite dish to cook is coq au vin (basically rooster cooked with red wine). He likes to eat the little dangly things off roosters' heads. His ideal girl wears skirts for easy access and rides unicorns. He loves things that are magical. He has a bit of a Peter Pan complex and sometimes wishes he was molested by Michael Jackson and he would love to get a big cash settlement.

He has one girl that he goes to when he wants some action, but he doesn't tell anybody because she has an ugly face. Her name is Rosa. She has a firecrotch.

I got rejected from E-Harmony

2008-09-26T21:05:00.000-07:00

I enjoy long, creamy walks on the beach, getting sharted in the rain and serendipitous encounters with cockles. I really like piña coladas mixed with niquil, and romantic, candle-lit umbrellas. I am well-read from Dr. Seuss to Oprah. I travel frequently, especially to your crotch, when I am not busy with work. (I am a prostitute.) I am looking for vacuum and beauty in the form of a goddess. She should have the physique of Liberian Beafsteak Grace and the clit of Dara. I would prefer if she knew how to cook, clean, and wash my Beanie Babies. I know I’m not very attractive in my picture, but it was taken 327 days ago, and I have since become more Saucy.

Post Script: I can fit my body through the head of an unstrung tennis racquet.

Ummm Perfect

2008-09-26T20:55:00.000-07:00

sexy Macdonald had a penis, E-I-E-I-O
and on that penis he had an gazelle, E-I-E-I-O
with a fart fart here
and a fart fart there,
here a fart, there a fart,
everywhere a fart fart,
sexy Macdonald had a penis, E-I-E-I-O.

damnit, janet, you're a galaxy girl

2008-09-26T20:51:00.000-07:00

pillow talk.

life advice

2008-09-26T20:49:00.000-07:00

prose is totally the new poem.

gazelle and daylilly.

gazelle: "i'm tired of running from the lion."
daylilly: "look, bees can't stop pollenating me."
gazelle: "and you can't even run away from the bees, you have roots. and not the kind clairol can take care of."
daylilly: "damn straight, shorty."

nick arrojo

2008-09-26T20:48:00.000-07:00

free and easy look
there you are it's the new you
you're a hair life coach

crank that soulja boy

2008-09-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

tranny dances.

applebees after being rained out of dorney park.
meeting up with my lover from craigslist at starbucks

cosmo stickers.

parker posey was on project runway once. belly buttons as erogenous zones. what is a credenza?
be shamelessly opportunistic - that bathing suit will get you beaten

clit soup. no thank you, i prefer pumpkin.
i'm a le le le le le le indian not a wa wa wa wa wa indian.
dakota fanning. william shatner. donny osmond. space ship.

buzz aldrin is now doing commerical for space, why? i love david's bridal.

why is there a revolver in your medicine cabinet? unicorns.

toe cleavage

2008-09-26T20:33:00.000-07:00

pirate hooker - mower, blower, and more

jennifer beals can eat her crotch out. she has angel hair pasta for her pubes. gotta keep it clean.

tomatoes, right off the vine.

the crotch is the new butt. it's time to talk about my new love affair.

i met a lady in red. and i said let's have poop sex. i'll poop in your butt, and you poop in my butt, and we'll poop back and forth forever, with the same poop.

zoobilee zoo

2008-09-26T20:28:00.000-07:00

Hadji quest
We are vr troopers.
Supreme.
Virtrual reality.

Eaaaglen. Like Elton john. Bette middler. Eaglen.

Wayne and Stacey.
Responsible for the boobie.
I’m open to it – I’ll try it.

.antelope.

milkin a teat. Do you own a cow?
Fupa fupa fupa, I made you out of clay.
Androgynous crotch. It’s called boy.
Ok, skippy.

Oh, the meaty part, not the weenie part.

hiroshima

why would you compare yourself to a mannequin anyway? that's kind of ridiculous

nunca. jamas.