This makes me want to pierce my lip and hang around a truck stop... Okay I am kidding about that. This is gross. But, did you know that in Australia, "Fanny Pack" refers to a cooter?

Reminder

I don't edit... just post

Dig it out

When you have a wedgie, just pick it. You don't want any floss in your butt. That is how skid marks happen. If it stays jammed up there, especially on a hot day, it could get saturated with butt sweat. Swamp ass is not hot. I also feel like that will cause you to get acne down there. That puts you in a game over scenario. Also, your undies should fit. A properly fitting pair of underwear should not get lodged up your ass. If you have chronic wedgies, look at yourself in a mirror -- you probably look like you have a dump chillin back there. The fabric should caress your curves, not sling down from it. I said what what in the but, you wanna put it in my but, in my butt.

Why all men like asian women:

Tight pussy. Game Over, I'm not even left handed. I'll take two, put them in the cart.

Smirnoff Ice Chip Helmet

I want to share a little story with you. I was doing summer research at my college lab. I went to the grocery store with a friend and we saw a raffel to win a Smirnoff Ice Chip Helmet. It was the type of raffel where you put in your contact info on a slip of paper -- free to enter -- just a stack of entry forms. We each filled out forty forms. Then we stole all but 10 entry forms. Two weeks later, I was working in the lab and had completely forgotten about the entry. My cell phone rang. I won the helmet. I wet my black boxer briefs with excitement and squeel like a sou in heat. I tell my professor that I won a chip helmet, so I can't work the rest of the day. I pick up the helmut and buy chips and salsa. That night we feast. -- I don't even like football. And that is your need to know news. Oh and I called everyone I knew

Cheaters is better than chedder.

Benifits of Chedder:
Tastes great on crackers and apples.
When you (and by you I mean I) eat a lot of it, it makes your upper lip sweat.
Benifits of cheaters:
Pixilation
Small men with big floppy D
Black women with corn rows
Dating opportunities
The host... something Greco???
Guess who's home early?
Stabbings.
Big black women hitting their men.
Dirty panties.

Game set match cheaters

Beyonce Baked Brie

1. preheat your oven to 375.
2. Thaw out your petridge farm puff pastry
3. Open a can of beyonces.
4. Strain your beyonces to remove the extra liquids and Jay Zs.
5. Spoon your Beyonces over a wheel of brie.
6. Wrap the brie in the puff pastry.
7. Cover the pastry with an egg wash and sprinkle with some solange.
8. Bake in the oven at 375 for 35 minutes.
9. Let cool for one minute and sift some kelly on top.
10. ENJOY!

A little friendly advice:

Fuck your durag and floss.
Game over, I'm not even left handed.

About Me

About Me:
When I am lost, or need advice about life... I turn to urinal graffiti for answers.
God, friends, self-help books -- all overrated.

Bare Breasts

Okay, okay, that title was just an attempt to get some straight male readers. Somehow, I don't really think that is our key demo. What I really want to talk about is the Barefoot Contessa, aka. Ina Garten. I have been a devoted fan of the show since college -- circa 2006. If you watch the show, you know that each episode has a little story line. For instance, she might be cooking a special dinner for her husband Jeffery. But, we at Alpayngeist have been developing more than a little crush on TR, her devishly handsome friend. He is the perfect foil to Ina, he always ends up cheating and buying the part of dinner that he was supposed to make himself. So, we did some stalking... I mean research... and this is what we found out. As a teenager TR used to work for Ina, back when she still owned her gormet store in the Hamptons. TR also apparently does some modelling (Macy's) and has been in a car commercial. I am still trying to decode if there is anything going on between him and Kirk, apparently another Hampton alpha gay with a particular inclination towards fine wines. We'll take two, put them in the cart.

Raven Symone on a Segway

Mmmm... this makes me sooo happy. It is like a dose of Chicken Soup for the Soul, minus having to read. Moreover, I would like to take this opportunity to comment on Raven. If Disney has failed to make you a superstar by the age of 24 maybe you should rethink your career path. I suggest she think about taking some edgier rolls. Further, I think it would be better if the paparazzi caught her with a hot piece at a club... or even doing a line in a bathroom stall. This girl needs street cred.