1. Buddah, Jesus, Kermit
2. William Shatner, Donny Osmand, Bob Barker
3. Richie Sambora, Tommy Lee, David Archuletta
4. Matt Lauer, Charlie Gibson, Billy Elliott
5. Wolverine, Hulk, Charlie Brown
6. Power Rangers, Ghostbusters, Smurfs (gang bang)
7. Snufflelofogus, Oscar, Barishnakoff
8. Ceasar Milan, Putin, Kim Jong Ill
9. Hasslehoff, Prince Charles, Prince
10. Wolfgang Puck, Wolfgang Laib, Wolfie from the Munsters.
Monday, December 22, 2008
1. What does IT taste like?
a. anus
b. pile of vomit
c. coleslaw
d. 75 dead vaginae stuffed in a live one while queefing
2. Have you ever been in an Asian subway.... what does it smell like?
a. mouth rot
b. dim sum
c. petrified feces and warm urine
d. soy sauce
3. What does Indian spunk (jiz) taste like?
a. curry
b. chicken korma
c. jalapeño hummus
d. Asian subway
4. Where do you buy your intimate appeal?
a. Marshall's
b. Victoria's Secret
c. The Hustler Store
d. Home Depot
5. Who is the best Food Network Star?
a. Whitney from the Hills... and the City
b. Mario Battali
c. Anthony Bordain
d. Ham Sandwich
Key:
If you picked mostly A's, you are this type of person: You have personal hygienic issues. They are not always the most obvious. You may not wash your nether regions every day. You will touch trash and then bite your nails. You will wear the same underpants for four days in a row if you don't get to your laundry. You are also 22 years old at heart.
If you picked mostly B's you are this type of person: Lady in the streets and a freak in the bed.
If you picked mostly C's, you are this type of person: You are always looking to get your beak wet.... and/or your rocks off.
If you picked mostly D's you are this type of person: You wear carharts and timberlands. You eat sandwiches for dinner. You pack juice boxes when yo go on long trips. You drive a station wagon.
a. anus
b. pile of vomit
c. coleslaw
d. 75 dead vaginae stuffed in a live one while queefing
2. Have you ever been in an Asian subway.... what does it smell like?
a. mouth rot
b. dim sum
c. petrified feces and warm urine
d. soy sauce
3. What does Indian spunk (jiz) taste like?
a. curry
b. chicken korma
c. jalapeño hummus
d. Asian subway
4. Where do you buy your intimate appeal?
a. Marshall's
b. Victoria's Secret
c. The Hustler Store
d. Home Depot
5. Who is the best Food Network Star?
a. Whitney from the Hills... and the City
b. Mario Battali
c. Anthony Bordain
d. Ham Sandwich
Key:
If you picked mostly A's, you are this type of person: You have personal hygienic issues. They are not always the most obvious. You may not wash your nether regions every day. You will touch trash and then bite your nails. You will wear the same underpants for four days in a row if you don't get to your laundry. You are also 22 years old at heart.
If you picked mostly B's you are this type of person: Lady in the streets and a freak in the bed.
If you picked mostly C's, you are this type of person: You are always looking to get your beak wet.... and/or your rocks off.
If you picked mostly D's you are this type of person: You wear carharts and timberlands. You eat sandwiches for dinner. You pack juice boxes when yo go on long trips. You drive a station wagon.
First Ever alpeNgeist Fart Art Contest
Welcome to the first ever alpeNgeist Fart Art Contest!!!!
So this is how it works, you send digital pictures of your best art either depicting or inspired by farts. Send your pictures to alpayngeist@gmail.com. The winner will get will get a fart (from me) in a bottle.
Example
Friday, December 19, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
About Me
1. I find Waldo to be one tricky son of a bitch.
2. I refer to people by nicknames they will never know.
3. I Wikipedia things I don't care about and work them into my conversations.
And that is your need to know news.
2. I refer to people by nicknames they will never know.
3. I Wikipedia things I don't care about and work them into my conversations.
And that is your need to know news.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Don't Forget your Hand Cubs
Little did the dastardly villain Dewy Vas Deferens know when he stole my chrysanthemum that he'd picked on the wrong stud. For although my penile exterior might have you believe I'm an ordinary sort of adonis, I am in fact that gusto of justice, the misogynistic crusader for ferosity, Cooter Lonnie Anderson!
Quickly, I charged into a wigwam and changed into my celadon spanks, aubigine chaps, and my fishy leotard. Thus disguised, I ran after Dewy Vas Deferens and humped him in the knee pit! We fought for hours. First, I had the upper hand, and then he snuggled me and gained an advantage. But then I grabbed a nearby plushie and speared him through the beef curtain. Victory was mine!
Quickly, I charged into a wigwam and changed into my celadon spanks, aubigine chaps, and my fishy leotard. Thus disguised, I ran after Dewy Vas Deferens and humped him in the knee pit! We fought for hours. First, I had the upper hand, and then he snuggled me and gained an advantage. But then I grabbed a nearby plushie and speared him through the beef curtain. Victory was mine!
What The Hell
What the hell is the deal with the Disaronno commercials.
Disaronno on the rocks with ginger ale
Disaronno on the rocks with lemon
Disaronno on the rocks with cream
Disaronno on the rocks with milk
Disaronno on the rocks with cranberry
Just because you mix a liquor with something doesn't mean you invented a new cocktail.
Moreover, cream and milk don't count as separate in my book.
Disaronno on the rocks with farts... Give me a gold star.
Disaronno on the rocks with ginger ale
Disaronno on the rocks with lemon
Disaronno on the rocks with cream
Disaronno on the rocks with milk
Disaronno on the rocks with cranberry
Just because you mix a liquor with something doesn't mean you invented a new cocktail.
Moreover, cream and milk don't count as separate in my book.
Disaronno on the rocks with farts... Give me a gold star.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Mmmmm tittie titties
I love it when people get offended and they say things like "How dare you?"
OMG he kicked her in the tit.
Jeff Kicked Vicki In The Tit.
OMG he kicked her in the tit.
Jeff Kicked Vicki In The Tit.
In the words of Whoopi -- What the Hell!!!
I think you swallowed a balloon.
Wow he is sooo skinny.
It looks like people slam heroin here.
WTF.
Speaking of WTF, there is a carriage in D town.
WTF, Hi, um We are driving down route 1 and there are two Mexicans riding horses on Lincoln Highway. Clearly you are lost, get off the fucking highway.
Wow he is sooo skinny.
It looks like people slam heroin here.
WTF.
Speaking of WTF, there is a carriage in D town.
WTF, Hi, um We are driving down route 1 and there are two Mexicans riding horses on Lincoln Highway. Clearly you are lost, get off the fucking highway.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Country fried Steak
I need sand in my panties.
When you ride a mechanical bull, you are really auditioning for everyone in the bar for how well you can ride on top.
Crisco does a body good.
When you ride a mechanical bull, you are really auditioning for everyone in the bar for how well you can ride on top.
Crisco does a body good.
A space ship to the moon
Mathew McConaghey has short armes ==> a sign of mental retardation.
O
- l -
/\
O
- l -
/\
Get that coin.
Oh yeah, this guy is a D-bag.
Jane Seymore has never looked better.
I remember when she used to sell hormones up in Harlem to make her rent money.
Jane Seymore has never looked better.
I remember when she used to sell hormones up in Harlem to make her rent money.
Obstruction of Innoscece
Do you think you are going to get in trouble for chilly porn.
Chilly, like the penguin.
No, that is Chilly Willy Silly.
My willy is chilly.
That is because you don't wear your smart wool dick muff.
Yes, I do.... muff means vagina... I have vaginas waiting for me.
Ewww... vaginas are fishy.
I hate fishing. I feel bad for the fish. How would you like a hook in your mouth?
I would like it no more than taking a queef to my face.
Beeeyoooo. Beeeyyyoooo. Fart on my schnoots.
I want to put my pinky finger up your challah.
What if you hit the pink egg.
That is called birth control.
I want Jewish menopause.
Chilly, like the penguin.
No, that is Chilly Willy Silly.
My willy is chilly.
That is because you don't wear your smart wool dick muff.
Yes, I do.... muff means vagina... I have vaginas waiting for me.
Ewww... vaginas are fishy.
I hate fishing. I feel bad for the fish. How would you like a hook in your mouth?
I would like it no more than taking a queef to my face.
Beeeyoooo. Beeeyyyoooo. Fart on my schnoots.
I want to put my pinky finger up your challah.
What if you hit the pink egg.
That is called birth control.
I want Jewish menopause.
Judy's Cranberry Garland
Step one. Buy two quarts of whole fresh cranberries.
Step two. Rent The Wizard of OZ.
Step three. String the cranberries with a needle and thread.
Step four. While singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow, insert the string of cranberries into your ass.
Step Five. Pull out the ruby garland and enjoy.
Step two. Rent The Wizard of OZ.
Step three. String the cranberries with a needle and thread.
Step four. While singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow, insert the string of cranberries into your ass.
Step Five. Pull out the ruby garland and enjoy.
Gooey Elf Bums
Step One: Open a pack of sweetened shredded coconut and put it in a bowl.
Step Two: Add one can of sweetened condensed milk (there is a difference) and then beat two egg whites to medium firm peaks and then fold the egg whites into the bowl.
Step Three: Take an ice cream scoop and place dollups of the mixture onto a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper. Use the handle of the spoon to create butt cracks on the mounds.
Step Four: Take mini chocolate chips and put one at the center of each of the buttcrack to mimmick a chocolate covered star fish.
Step Five: Take red sprinkles and spot them on the butt - like zits.
Step Six: Place in the oven and bake at 325 degrees for fifteen mins until the coconut turns golden brown like elf butt hair.
Step Seven: Place on cookie sheet to cool, get fruit rollups, (preferably strawberry or cherry) and cut into the shape of elf shorts and put slightly below butt.
Step Eight: Get a can of redi whip to make white trim on the shorts. Wrap the elf butts in holiday colored cellophane and take them to a retirement facility.
Step Nine: Tell the old people to gobble gobble.
Step Two: Add one can of sweetened condensed milk (there is a difference) and then beat two egg whites to medium firm peaks and then fold the egg whites into the bowl.
Step Three: Take an ice cream scoop and place dollups of the mixture onto a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper. Use the handle of the spoon to create butt cracks on the mounds.
Step Four: Take mini chocolate chips and put one at the center of each of the buttcrack to mimmick a chocolate covered star fish.
Step Five: Take red sprinkles and spot them on the butt - like zits.
Step Six: Place in the oven and bake at 325 degrees for fifteen mins until the coconut turns golden brown like elf butt hair.
Step Seven: Place on cookie sheet to cool, get fruit rollups, (preferably strawberry or cherry) and cut into the shape of elf shorts and put slightly below butt.
Step Eight: Get a can of redi whip to make white trim on the shorts. Wrap the elf butts in holiday colored cellophane and take them to a retirement facility.
Step Nine: Tell the old people to gobble gobble.
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